It’s been a while since I’ve written on here..it’s all wrong! I’ve finally figured out that instead of spending my lunchbreaks’ inhaling smoke in to my lungs for over an hour, I’m going to BLOG! This past week has been a real rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. My minds been all over the place. Family life, love life, college, work, Christmas..all over the place and I’ve never been the type of bloke to be depressed but, I was depressed. Right now, I don’t know how I’m feeling. Maybe I’ll wake up in the morning and have the world crumble on me again or maybe I’ll be back to myself. But I shan’t bore all with all these issues I have because I know that just like me, in some way, shape or form that YOU, yeah that’s right, you, I’m writing to you because you, he, she, they, them ALL, everybody has issues. Nobodies life is perfect. I know there’s a more than a million other people worse off than me. So I won’t ramble on. Although I will write about an issue I am having that’s fucking me up truly, tomorrow. Right now, I have to go to the most comfortable, happy place in my life at the moment which is sleep. Knowing my luck I’ll start having nightmares about all this s**!. Hasn’t happened yet, hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself. Goodnight all!!!
So here’s the crack right, I’ve wasted years of my life really not achieving anything..whatsoever! Absolute diddley squat. So basically, my CV has nothing on it. I’ve got the grades of a goldfish, I never tried in school and on the flip side, I’m smart as fuck! Excuse my French, they say if you need to swear then you obviously have a lack of vocabulary but for me, I’m just blunt. So I’m thinking..I’m 21 now and in this day and age, being such a squeeze to even get an interview for a job, I figured that I need a piece of paper. I need a trade so even if nobody will employ me, I can atleast work for myself. So I’ve just turned 22, enrolled in college, have to sit around a bunch of immature 16 year olds but that’s my fault. I should have done what I’m doing now, 6 years ago. So this is the last chance I have at this and I’m going all the way with it! At the end of the day, I’m not there to make friends, no. I’m there to make a future. So anybody starting college in September, just remember. Go there for you. Don’t do a me and drop out like I did all those years ago.
Poetry has always been very comforting to me. For me, there really is no other way to express something I passionately feel about. It’s almost like a puzzle that when put together, fits so well and sounds like it should just be. So whenever I was younger and I’d feel sad, angry, happy..whatever I felt and felt passionate enough to write about, poetry would be my emotional output. A way to vent my frustrations as a teenage lad up to now as a grown man. The only trouble is now, I have so many different thoughts racing through my mind it’s difficult to stay on topic or even to just sit down and write some poetry. When i was younger, I turned my poems in to songs. Rap songs. But I wasn’t your stereotypical “white rapper”. I didn’t rap about things I had no idea about. Even when people used to ask “what kind of music do you do?”, I would always feel a little embarrassed replying “Rap. I’m a rapper”. Because that is how this world is. I guess for some reason I always thought that Rap wasn’t for white people. Especially working class white people. Shock horror. But as with many families, there is always a struggle. Always something you need to vent about in life and this was my output. So now, instead of being a Rapper, I’d prefer to be an artist of the spoken word. Not a Rapper or an MC but a poet on a beat. You’ll never hear me preach about something I have no idea about. Tomorrow I’ll post a poem. A short note on how I feel. My emotions.
Yesterday was my Birthday. I stepped up to another year to 22. I had a great day. A really great weekend actually. Lorna’s cousin came down from London to stay for the weekend. Friday was payday thus the pub called. Saturday afternoon/ evening, Lorna threw a curry night in which we had several friends over and continued to spend Saturday evening getting merry. Sunday was a more relaxed, sobered day as Summerslam was taking place and I wanted to rise bright and early to check the results! Monday was chilled out..I’ve become ill though..over indulging it may well be. Any who, what takes place every Monday evening/ Tuesday morning should I say!? Nothing else but RAW! Then Tuesday was my birthday. So all in all, a very good weekend. Despite Lorna’s cousin being a royal pain in the arse. We also found out he was a pathological liar. I thought we would humour him but now we’ve thought about it, maybe we should have said enough is enough. He’s 15, from London and also apparently is rich and has a 4 million pound house. If so, he should’ve been buying me the cigarettes and alcohol and Chinese and ice cream’s and the ever so long list of things he did not say thank you for. I wasn’t a perfect kid..far from it but I always had manners. Still..teenagers know best right? Some disturbing things came out of his mouth indeed. Thankfully we launched him back on to a coach straight to London on Monday. Tuesday, my birthday. After 22 years, my father walked out after a warzone with my mother for the last how many years. You know something though..throughout the whole ordeal..I never said a word. So my whole birthday has been dimmed by this crushing feeling that maybe..just maybe, I could’ve prevented it going this far. I can’t even remember the last time I told my Dad that I love him which is really upsetting for me. My mother used to speak to me about the separation of them both and I’d just say “Ma, I’m 21 years old, I’m old enough, it won’t affect me”. But it has. So for anybody out there who hasn’t told their loved ones just how much you love them, do it. Don’t be embarrassed. Because you never know what could happen. You can bet that I’ll be calling my old man in the morning to let him know that I’ll always need him as a father and that I love him, always have, always will, no matter what.
Lorna. Lorna Lorna Lorna.. well let me tell you about, Lorna. You see it’s over five years ago that I first started speaking to Lorna, through back then the ever so popular MSN & Bebo! Share the love! Remember that before Facebook & Twitter took demand. Lorna & I, myself & Lorna went to the same school, I used to see her about with her bunch of loser friends as I strolled by because i was cool but that was it really until the year 2008 when all of a sudden I had one former acquaintance add her in a conversation on MSN in which we became acquainted so much so we took to Bebo to SHARE THE LOVE! So that went on for a while until another two former acquaintances of mine actually made this somewhat strange double date almost where we went to Tesco and hung around there. A very memorable first meeting. So after talking for a few months and meeting a couple of times, June 3rd of ’08 was to be her 16th birthday so May 31st there was this little party to celebrate the day of the birth of this beautiful woman. It was a great night because May 31st 2008 was the day myself and Lorna, Lorna & I, got together. What made it tough was the fact I had to pluck up the courage to ask this beautiful young lady if she’d get with me so I thought to myself before I got there that I’d have a few drinks, be cool, stay calm, get bottle out the bottle but.. it was non alcoholic beer! You can imagine the horror on my face when I got there :I and thought “uh oh.. I need a new game plan quick” but i forgot about the game plan after I got locked alone with her out on this porch over looking the garden almost. You know I was 16 years old and I acted like i was all that but really I was just a pup. So I still could not bring myself to say “will you go out with me” I mean come on! We weren’t in the playground anymore. So eventually, it sounds really embarrassing now, I look in her eyes and I said “just kiss me innit” and my god…BUT it worked! I’m a romantic! I have improved for everybody’s knowledge reading this cringing.
Anyway.. I gotta go round the shop now! This is but part uno of Lorna.
Yours truly! R.R.
There’s always this calm feeling when waking up on a Sunday. The peace on the streets and silence in the air. The old people walking their little Jack Russels or King Charles Cavaliers to get their Sunday Times. The couples walking through the park hand in hand. The day the Mother always cooks the traditional! Sunday Roast. Be it chicken, beef, lamb or pork. Not too many vegetables for me. Three or four potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, some gravy and if it’s pork we’re having, I always ask for more crackling! Oh yes. Whether you can relate or not, there is something we all have in common on these Sunday’s of everyweek and that terrifying name that is, Monday! Yes, the day that always creeps up on you. First thing Friday afternoon you’re all happy and then BOOM! Monday slaps you in the face before you know it and because none of us won the EuroMillions this past week, it means we have to go and do the same old shit as per usual! But I’m not complaining because it’s Sunday.. just you wait Monday ..just you wait.
Hope you all have a relaxing Sunday
After an eventful past couple of days. I’m going to lay my sore head on a pillow. Stretch out. Take up all the room in the bed. Then get complained at. It’s time to mellow down and thank whatever made all of this possible. As I lay down, there’s always a million things rushing through my head. Like rush hour in Tokyo or something. Always thinking. Planning. Remembering. More thinking. The thought process is as followed:
Isn’t that a shame. Not so long ago I had not the slightest inkling of how it was to live and now it’s all about the queens head. The rent. The bills. The cigarettes. The food. The gifts. It all adds up. It’s all about the money.
Goodnight to all!